I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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