I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
