If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
