GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
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You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
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When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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