Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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