only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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