I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
