If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
