Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
