What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
These tits shall not be calmed
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
