Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
