do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's blow job season.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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