I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Operation Purity has been aborted
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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