You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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