Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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