Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
