Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
