Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
