Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
