Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
