I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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