then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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