I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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