I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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