Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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