these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
