They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
