i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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