i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
