I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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