I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
