My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
