Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
