remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I think I sprained my soul last night
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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