i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
