called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
