3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
