I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
