God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
