Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
