just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
