I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
