If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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