here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
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I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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