i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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