found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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