sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
