Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
