OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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