Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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