were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
smell my finger.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
