there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
