remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
