in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
