god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
