I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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