I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
