I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
NoShamevember. You game?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
